The worst opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels...

Couple of entries for a competition at work inspired by the Bulwer-Lytton site's "worst opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels"

I knew it was a mistake, but it was a mistake I liked making, and making mistakes was my middle name - when I didn't get it wrong (on purpose).

and

You know how it is when you wake up hung-over and handcuffed in the back of a car with no driver bouncing down the side of a hill to certain oblivion below, and you have a cigarette between your lips but no way of lighting it? 'No,' she whispered.

People (Abe) complained the last entry was two sentences, but I still insist it reads as one... ;)

Hit man

Kind of done the hit man novel before (not that well), but been turning another over for a while. Waiting for two ideas to clash and throw up something interesting, but so far I have...

Hit man, London based, knocking off people for money without too much concern. We see a couple of jobs, mundane but horrifically brutal (or vice versa). Takes a new job, and client (a go between) mentions that it's a rush job as he's been having trouble placing the job. Our hit man does the job. Perhaps combine with near nabbing in a pub by plain clothes cops?

Then the next call he takes for another job asks whether he ever questions why he's been asked to kill the people he kills? Has he? I'm not sure. Anyways, this time, before he offs the guy, he asks him why anyone would want him dead. In between begging for his life the guy tells him he does what he does: he's a contract killer too.

BTW: we're not talking anything glamorous here, we're talking thug / bouncer level. No sniper rifles or poison blow darts. Just broken bottles, knives, clubbed to death and run over.

So now our hit man starts wondering what's going on. Sure enough, the next person he's asked to kill is another contract killer. How many can he kill before they come after him? And who wants them all dead? And who asked him whether he wondered what they did?

I've no idea.

Lawrence Block is writing a great series of Hit Man novels, well worth checking out. And there's a thriller about a terminally ill contract killer who takes out a contract on his own life, then finds out he's not dying. Can't remember who it's by, but it was great.

Rolling with the idea

With no pen I had to cling on to an idea that came during a presentation this morning...

The suicide mission to set off/destroy the bomb (whatever) on the spaceship. The team is gradually killed off till we are left with one guy who knows he can't make it. So he is captured, and reveals during interrogation that there are other teams all with the same goal: to set off the bomb. With the result that the enemy ends up doing what the team set out to do.

Now if there isn't a story in this...

Okay, it's possibly already been filmed in part, but some of the paranoid angles in James Jesus Angleton's (long-serving chief of the Central Intelligence Agency') wiki article would add an interesting spin to any novel. Take the Space/Macbeth idea, and then have the friendly Commander consumed with a search for an enemy squad in their lines. That doesn't sound so interesting written down anymore, but I'd make it work, dammit! Before they make it work against me...

Macbeth in Space jumping off point

After watching Akira Kurosawa's 'Throne Of Blood' I considered reworking Macbeth, but set in space. People suggest shamelessly ripping off something is a good way of ending up with something of your own. One of the possibilities was a huge ship on which a battle raged (a gritty version of the great Startopia PC game, sadly ignored despite appearing on many a review top ten).

Obviously I've not written it yet, but it's an idea I chew on from time to time. From that has come a smaller idea: a squad/platoon of soldiers sent to penetrate enemy lines on the space ship, which is then cut off, perhaps knowingly, perhaps accidently. No chance of returning to their side. This could be something they were aware of beforehand, or something that just happens. Now I'm thinking it could almost be a starting point for a story.

The soldiers are sent to remove the the enemies ability to destroy the whole ship by disabling a self destruct device (or whatever) that resides behind enemy lines. Then their mission changes: the ship has separated in two, and they are ordered to set the bomb off to wipe the enemy out, possibly dying as a result. Can they do it in time? Can they escape if they do? Will they do it?

There are obvious possibilties for characters to rebel against the order, to try to sabotage the mission, etc etc. With loads of action, which I love writing. Ammo running dry, desperate escapes, a car chase. I'm not sure how I would work in a car chase, but I think there's mileage of one in a novel, a device long since run dry in the movies. I heard a spoken poem version of what I think was a Jack Kerouac short as a kid on the radio about a (late night?) drive, and it was incredible. Would love to hear that again...

there are only seven basic story plots. What are they?

Love this. Combine two and you're off. In theory...

Protect the kids

Idea:

A less than perfect bodyguard is left on the bench as others pick up the glamorous jobs. Then a call comes in to babysit two kids. He sent to pick up the detail. We alternate between him and a group planning to kidnap the kids, kill them quick, and then claim the ransom. So we know what's coming: if he lets the kids fall into the hands of the kidnappers they die.

We can also show the parents and give some background on why they would be targetted. Probably non-descript wealthy business people. Possibly someone has set the kidnappers up to divert attention from another plan involving the business; they want the husband or wife to be thinking about the kidbap and not another move that is being made.

Meanwhile the washed up bodyguard goes on the run with the kids, with theusual close escapes, possibly being viewed as a suspect by the police which limits his options.

And of course the kids make things harder with their own paranoia that he is fact a kidnapper and they need to escape from him.

End: Someone mentioned (Stephen Donaldson?) that they've had an ending to a story that they always write towards but the story takes on a life of it's own and finds it's own ending. But it's still good to have, so...

Beat up to hell, the bodyguard ends up in the offices of the couple, hiding out from the remains of the kidnappers. The poilce are closing in and have orders to take him out. The crooked business partner is in the building making his/her move against the couple. The kids call the parents, who alert the police, but as things come to a close the involvement of the dodgy business partner is given away, and the parents, unable to alert the police somehow speak to the kids who save the bodyguard life.

Hmm. A maybe. Could be a bit Die Hard like (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). Smacks of generic American pulp, which may read well but gets turned into a sub par summer failure of a movie.

Why I might write this: Write what you know, and having two kids there's potential there for the interplay between the bodyguard and them. Also the potential for action, which I like, though I tend to over do the level of violence, which might be a bit much. But the threat level does need to be high to give the sense of danger they are all in, so not a bad thing.

Why I might not write this: Would need to set this in the States (he'll need to carry a gun, the kidnappers will need guns), I hate writing stories set in London. Also, I prefer to have a level of humour - however dark - and I'm not sure how that would fit here. I wouldn't want him to be a wise crcking Bruce Willis character, and wouldn't want to write cliched Russian kidnappers.